'My mother is being catfished': She fell 'madly in love' with a man over Facebook. How do I convince her that it's a scam?

By Quentin Fottrell

'My sister and I found loads of evidence online that this is a fake account. There are actually numerous fake accounts on various platforms that use this guy's images'

Dear Quentin,

My mother is being catfished.

She is 70, and this guy - or whoever the person on the other end is - who looks about 45, claims that she is the love of his life, and she says she is madly in love with him as well. I have no idea how he found her, but I discovered that they've been talking on Facebook (META).

My sister and I found loads of evidence online that this is a fake account. There are actually numerous fake accounts on various platforms that use this guy's images. I mean, he is attractive, so I can see why the scammers would use them.

The problem is that when we try to tell her and show her all that, she doesn't listen to us, she listens to him. I really did not expect my own mother to be that far gone with something that is so obviously a scam.

She doesn't have much money, and I control what little she does have, so at least that's good. I just don't know how to get her to see sense. Do you have any advice for her family? How can we stop this from happening?

Standing Idly By

Related: 'I'm drowning in debt': I was scammed by a 'friend' who asked me to take out a loan, and I fell victim to identity theft. Can you help me?

Dear Standing,

The red flag here is your mother's refusal to acknowledge that she's being scammed.

She either knows what's going on and doesn't want to admit it or, worse, she is more than simply feeling lonely. She may need medical help, including tests to assess her cognitive well-being, as well as assistance and intervention to protect her finances from this stranger.

The most immediate approach is to show your mother the other Facebook profiles and tell her that there is a reason that he - I assume - has probably not agreed to FaceTime with her. Scammers prey on people's loneliness, vulnerabilities and, yes, their willingness to believe.

Sooner or later this person is going to ask for money, so it's important to (a) warn her that the request could come in the form of a plane ticket or some kind of "emergency," and (b) make sure that she is not in a position to hand over hundreds or thousands of dollars to a pantomime villain.

A spokesman for Facebook directed me to these tips to avoiding and reporting scams. Don't click attachments and don't send money. That holds true for Facebook or any other emails, texts or unsolicited phone calls that you may receive.

"If someone claims to be a friend or relative in an emergency, or asks you for advance fees to receive a loan, prize or other winnings, slow down, do not engage, and remember, you always have the option to report them to Facebook and Instagram," it says.

The site also advises caution if a a new third-party app requires you to login with your Facebook account before you can use it. "Don't share requests from unknown accounts asking for your passwords, Social Security number, credit card or other financial details," the company says.

Ideally, it would be wise to arrange a memory test with your mother's doctor. The Mayo Clinic says these tests cover "thinking skills" such as memory, orientation, reasoning and judgment, language skills and attention.

Conservatorship may prove necessary

The Financial Industry Regulatory Authority provides financial institutions with this form to establish a trusted contact for investment accounts. Ask your mom if you could help her with her online access. If you are a co-signer on her bank accounts, it will help prevent erroneous transactions.

If she does show signs of cognitive impairment, you could ask her (or the court) to give you financial power of attorney. This can be used to stop scam artists in their tracks and even avoid foreclosure on a home by taking over bill payments.

Another option, should things deteriorate, is conservatorship, which is an involuntary process and takes place when a person is unable to take care of their finances. Each state has its own rules for guardianships and conservatorships.

To apply to be a conservator, you need to file a petition with the probate court in the county where your mother lives and detail all the responsibilities, powers and duties you intend to take on for her. You'll also need to submit a plan for your mother's care.

"Once a petition is filed with the court, a court investigator is appointed to interview the proposed conservatee and to determine if the individual is truly incapacitated and whether appointment of a conservator is justified," according to the Family Caregiver Alliance.

"The petition is set for hearing, and the conservatee must appear in court unless medically unable to do so," the organization adds. "The judge determines, based on the petition, the investigator's report, and any evidence taken during the hearing."

Your mother can also freeze her credit with all three major credit bureaus - Experian (EXPGY) , TransUnion (TRU) and Equifax (EFX) - so no one can take out loans or open accounts in her name. This is good practice for anyone in a vulnerable situation.

People 60 and older are five times as likely as younger consumers to report losing money to tech-related scams, according to the Federal Trade Commission. Phone scams are the No. 1 scam affecting older people, followed by computer-related fraud.

'Pig butchering' is an unpleasant business

This person might also ask your mother to invest in a scheme or buy cryptocurrency. Such confidence tricks are known as "pig butchering." Scam artists scour social-media sites, public records and dating sites for marks.

It's called "pig butchering" because they take their time fattening up their mark, establishing trust and feeding the victim information promising bigger and better returns. Slowly, the victim's instincts are compromised by the excitement of a big payday. And then they get bled dry.

MetLife conducted a major study on the subject and found that women were nearly twice as likely as men to be victims of elder financial abuse. Most victims lived alone, which may point to the fact that lonely people are more likely to seek out a connection online.

"In almost all of the cases, there existed a combination of tenuous, valued independence and observable vulnerability that merged in the lives of victims to optimize opportunities for abuse by every type of perpetrator," the study concluded.

You can learn more about consumer issues and scams from the Federal Trade Commission and file a consumer complaint online or call 1-877-FTC-HELP (382-4357). AARP also has a Fraud Watch Network Helpline (877-908-3360) and a guide to avoiding phishing.

AARP says signs include "a phone call asking for money or personal information, such as your Social Security number, a request to buy gift cards to pay a purported debt or to send money to someone whom you've only met online [or] an unauthorized charge on your credit card."

Your mother's willingness to engage with this bad actor and unwillingness to see through him is alarming, regardless of whether it's related to her mental or emotional health. It's a sign that something needs to change - and that a compassionate intervention or engagement should now begin.

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

My husband turned into a monster after we married. I own a $1.3 million home. How do I save myself and my finances?

My friends order drinks and pricey dishes in restaurants. Is it rude to ask for a separate check?

I feel used': My partner stays with me 5 nights a week, even though he owns his own home. Should he pay for utilities and food?

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-Quentin Fottrell

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06-29-24 0300ET

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